I wondered. But I didn't go in and out of the house with the intention of studying the teacher. I simply left it as it was and went on my way. In hindsight, my attitude at that time was one of the things in my life that I should have valued. I think it was precisely because of this that I was able to have a warm and human relationship with my teacher. If my curiosity had been directed towards his mind in any way, if I had worked on his mind in a scholarly way, the thread of sympathy that connected us would have been snapped without mercy. Young me was completely unaware of my attitude. That may be why it was so noble, but if I had made a mistake and gone behind the scenes, what consequences would have fallen on our relationship? I shudder to even imagine. Even so, he was always afraid of being studied with cold eyes.
I began to go to the teacher's house without fail twice or thrice a month. One day, when my legs were getting thinner and thinner, he suddenly turned to me and asked.
Why do you come so often to the homes of people like me?"
'Why, it doesn't mean anything special like that. -but are you disturbing me?"
'I wouldn't call it a hindrance.'
Nowhere did I see any sign of annoyance from the teacher. I knew that his social circle was extremely small. I also knew that there were only two or three of his former classmates who were in Tokyo at the time. I occasionally sat with students from his hometown, but none of them seemed to be as close to Sensei as I was.
'I am a lonely person,' said the doctor. 'That's why I'm glad you're here. That is why I asked you why you come so often.'
And why is that?
When I asked back, the teacher did not respond in any way. He just looked at me and said, 'How old are you?
This question and answer was so ill-suited to me that I left without pushing to the bottom at the time. Not four days later, I visited him again. As soon as he went out into the sitting room, he burst out laughing.
'Here we are again,' he said.
'Yeah, I'm here,' she said, and laughed herself.
I am sure I would have been annoyed if someone from outside had said this to me. But when my teacher said this to me, it was the opposite. Not only was it not offensive, it was actually pleasant.
'I am a lonely person,' the doctor repeated again that evening. 'I am a lonely person, but then again, so are you. I am lonely, but I am old and can stay still, but you, young man, cannot. You want to move as much as you can. You want to move and hit something. ......"
I am not lonely at all."
'Nothing is more lonely than being young. Then why do you come to my house so often?"
Here again the words from the other day were repeated by the teacher.
'You probably still feel lonely somewhere when you see me. I don't have the strength to pull that loneliness out of its roots for you. You will have to turn outwards and open your hands now. Now you will have to turn your feet away from my house."
The teacher laughed a lonely laugh when she said this.
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